The Leather Pants Travesty
by Lestat Lebrat
Summary: If you've seen Tanz der Vampire in Hamburg you'll have seen the leather breeches that Herbert wears in the finale. A friend of mine asked me how I thought he got out of them afterwards because they were inhumanly tight. We got a bit hyped and went nuts writing, this story is more of a travesty than those pants!


**The Leather Pants Travesty**

Summary: Has anyone ever wondered how Herbert escaped from the leather trousers he wore in the finale of Tanz der Vampire? I sat with a friend trying to puzzle it out here is the scenario we came up with.

I stole Tim Reichwein to play Herbert for my fanfiction!

Disclaimer: I do not own Tanz der Vampire or the characters they belong to Roman Polanski. I certainly don't own Tim Reichwein either. All characters (and the leather pants) belong to their copyrighted owners or whatever.

The real deal is that I am so bored but I don't know what to write for you people! I am taking requests provided that I know the fandom!

Start story.

Herbert struggling to pull of leather pants.  
Herbert: "I can't get this thing off! AH!" *Crash*  
Graf: "What are you doing? Stop clowning about!"  
Herbert: "But I can't get it off! Help me Alfred!"  
Alfred: "I am not helping you! You tried to bite me! What if you do it again?"  
Herbert: "You're already a vampire it won't kill you! Now get me out of these pants! Why did we use leather anyway? And why is it shiny leather? It looks awful!"  
Enter Magda and Sahra  
Magda: "What are you doing?"  
Herbert: "Obviously I am trying to get out of these pants!"  
Sahra: "Well we'll help. Alfred and I will grab the left leg, and Graf and Magda can grab the right."  
Alfred: "Sahra! Let's let him do it himself, or just his father and Magda can help!"  
Sahra: "What is your problem?"  
Alfred: "He tried to bite me! Have you all forgotten!"  
Sahra smacks him  
Sahra: "Grab the pant legs!"  
Magda: "Ready? PULL!"  
All groaning and struggling to pull the leather off. They manage to pull Herbert off the chair and onto the floor and drag him across the stage while they walk backwards. They don't realize that the edge of the stage draws near and Herbert sees it.  
Herbert: "Look out!"  
They fall into the music pit.  
Alfred: "I don't like this arrangement."  
They all look to see Herbert sprawled over Alfred's lap.  
Herbert: Grins "I don't mind."  
Sahra shoves him off. Chagall with a mop and bucket of water strolls past. He empties the water into the music pit carelessly.  
Herbert: "AH! They're shrinking! I can't feel anything from my waist down!"  
Magda: "Chagall you imbecile! That was cold water wasn't it!"  
Chagall: "Eh? Who is speaking who?"  
Magda: "Down here you blithering idiot. In the music pit!"  
Chagall looks down into the pit.  
Chagall: "Oh, eh! What are you all doing down there?"  
Sahra: "Trying to remove the leather pants which are quickly becoming smaller."  
Chagall: "Oh! Eish, why don't you just use a knife?"  
Alfred: "That's a great idea!" mischievous smile  
Herbert: "That's an awful idea! You might just miss the pants and get me!"  
Magda: "So? It's not like you are going to miss anything."  
Herbert: "One day I might!" glares  
Graf: "Just get a knife or scissors so we can go home!"  
Sahra:"You know you should seriously think about yoga! It's great for relieving stress!"  
Graf grinds teeth and his eye twitches.  
Chagall: "Here you go, scissors!" holds them up triumphantly.  
Graf takes scissors to Herbert and starts cutting.  
Herbert: "Be CAREFUL! If I find anything missing I'll return the favor!" Glares  
Graf: "Stop whining or I'll let Alfred do it!"  
Alfred smiles evilly.  
Herbert: "Cut away! Don't let the maniac get me daddy!" Puppy eyes  
Alfred: "I'M the maniac? You tried to bite me!"  
Herbert: "Will you let it go- OW!"  
All look to see his thigh cut just above the knee.  
Graf: "If you hadn't moved I wouldn't have got you!" Glares  
Herbert: in tears "ALFRED! Kiss it better!" Enormous puppy eyes O.O  
Sahra glares at Alfred and points to Herbert commandingly.  
Alfred: "Fine!" Kisses it better.  
Herbert: "All better!" his thigh is healed.  
Graf continues to cut away. Eventually the leather is all cut off and Herbert, wearing stockings, garter and floral briefs, skip's off to his dressing room to put on a pair of pants.  
Magda: "Thank God that's over."  
They all murmur in agreement. There is relief throughout the group until Herbert steps out of his dressing room.  
Herbert: "I'm ready to go home!"  
They all groan.  
Sahra: "Why! Why did you put on another pair of leather pants!"  
Herbert: "They show off my glorious vampire ass!"  
In a whisper he says: "It's false leather though so don't worry!"  
They leave the theatre shaking their heads and marveling at the foppish vampire who skip's and sings ahead of them.

Lestat Lebrat

In Honor of Friday the Thirteenth

What did you think? This is the first Tanz Fiction I've ever written! It was really random and I'm writing another one soon. Please rate and review!


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